Travel Temptations

We are at this moment sitting in the airport of Quebec City waiting for our flight home. Seems like a good time for a short post.

Twelve days in Nova Scotia,  Prince Edward Island and Quebec. Ten days on a small cruise ship. It's hard not to notice that most people on vacation do things we might not do otherwise. We eat more, including desserts -- myself included. We might dress differently -- I bought a pair of flannel trousers (pyjama pants?) in the plaid of the Nova Scotia tartan and wore them proudly. And many travelers drink a great deal of alcohol at all times of the day.

Bloody Marys and Mimosas in the morning, beer and wine with lunch, several "whatevers" during cocktail hour, wine with dinner,  and a nightcap before retiring. I noticed one couple who always -- always -- had drinks in their hands. After a couple of days I grew irritated every time I heard the announcement "The bar is (still) open." Then I just let it go...

I'm grateful that there were plenty of things to drink that aren't alcoholic. I'm grateful that the bartender quickly learned and remembered my preferances. And I'm grateful for the evening that I chatted with the two members of the band and discovered that they, too, are members of the same 12-step program.

It was a lovely vacation, I never had to nurse a hangover, and I remember it all.

Imprisoned

During this morning's 12-Step meeting we read a story in the magazine called "Grapevine" written by a young woman whose childhood was so filled with violence and turmoil that she was certain she would end up in the women's prison that was near her home. Instead, having participated in a residential rehabilitation program and entered a 12-Step program, she found herself bringing 12-Step meetings to the women who were incarcerated in that prison.

After we read the story, we shared our thoughts about what it meant to be imprisoned. A few members of the group had spent a night in jail on one or more occasions -- usually arrested for "driving under the influence" and in one instance for public drunkenness. One member had served time in prison. These people, now sober, smiling and with cups of coffee in their hands, aren't any different from you me. In fact there, but for the grace of God, go I. There was at least one occasion when my Mini-Cooper must have driven itself to the coffee shop where I was meeting someone for lunch -- and parked itself as well -- because I don't even remember getting behind the wheel.

Mostly we talked about other kinds of imprisonment -- the kinds that are of our own making. Naturally, we talked about being imprisoned by alcohol or drugs, and after the meeting one man made a humorous comment about wanting to be set free, but "not being able to walk past the bars." We talked about the prisons of fear, of self-pity and of self-image. It's almost impossible to be spontaneous, or to be "happy, joyous and free," if you're locked into a certain view of the world, or of yourself. I thought of many other ways we can be imprisoned. The prisons of depression or anxiety can keep us from enjoying even life's simple daily gifts. The prison of isolation keeps us from seeking out, and gaining consolation and strength from, contact with other human beings. The prisons of too much dependence -- or too much independence -- forces us out of the natural balance between trusting others and relying upon our own skills. The prison of lethargy or laziness -- due to whatever cause -- prevents us from the joy of accomplishment.

In recent weeks I have felt imprisoned -- by pain and by fear. One morning I woke up and something was wrong with my left hip. The range of motion of my right side was seriously limited, I couldn't stand up or lie down fully straightened, and I couldn't walk without limping. The pain was severe when I moved, and still there -- constant and relentless -- even when I didn't. I could only fall sleep in the fetal position, lying on my opposite side, and if I moved in my sleep I immediately woke up.

After manipulating my leg in a series of excruciating movements, the doctor said, "Yes, it's a hip problem," gave me a prescription for pain medicine and sent me for an x-ray. The x-ray showed nothing unusual, so he sent me for an MRI. In the meantime my natural tendency towards anxiety about any health issue kicked in. (The psychological term for this is "catastrophizing.") I was afraid this would be permanent. I would never be able to ride my bicycle or work in the garden ever again! I would become a "couch potato" and gain weight!! I would become a tiresome invalid who would bore my poor husband with my inactivity and complaints..... In addition to all of this self-pity, I resented and feared each pain pill that I took. I would have to take them for the rest of my life. I would become addicted to them! I would have to take more and more of them!! Then they wouldn't help any more and I would have to suffer through agonizing withdrawal..... Despite my prayers for patience and friends' advice that "this too shall pass," I was (borrowing a phrase from current slang) a "hot mess." I was well and truly imprisoned, even more by my thoughts than by my physical state.

The end of the story was predictable. I want back to see the doctor. The MRI showed degenerated cartilage, inflammation, and fluid accumulation around the hip joint. The osteoarthritis that I inherited from my mother was up to its usual nasty tricks. The doctor withdrew about 1/2 cup of fluid from around the joint, and pumped in three shots of cortisone. Removal of the fluid, and the pressure that it put on the nerve, resulted in some immediate relief. The cortisone will do its work in 3-5 days. I'll be able to stop taking the pain medicine. We don't know what caused this to flare up, and it may happen again someday, but for now my mind is at peace. I take a deep breath and say a prayer of gratitude. The door of my prison has been opened, and I'm free!

Similarities

A fellow member of my 12-step program "home group" is an Episcopal priest, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that we often talk about spiritual things before or after a meeting. One of our memorable conversations was about the similarity between going to a meeting and going to a religious service.

12-step programs and religious faiths both establish a sense of community, of belonging to a group of like-minded people. Each can be found world-wide and, whether we attend a meeting or a church (or temple or mosque) outside of our home community, we can be reasonably certain that we will be accepted as "one of them" even if we don't speak their language. In fact, members of both groups go out of their way to seek out newcomers and introduce them to other members. In both cases, however, we will feel most at home with our specific "home group" or place of worship. These members are like family -- we know their habits and traditions, their likes and dislikes, their joys and sorrows, their generosity and quirks.

12-step meetings and religious services each have a structure that they adhere to -- most of the time -- and the structures themselves are remarkably similar. During most meetings (except for some speaker's meetings) and all services, one or more people read from "approved literature" that consists of stories and other writngs that illustrate important aspects of the program or faith. It might be the "Big Book" or the "Twelve and Twelve," or it might be the Bible, the Torah or the Koran. These readings instruct us in our daily living. After the readings, one or more people will talk about the readings, what they mean, and how they apply to daily life. In a religious service, this part is most often a minister delivering a sermon or homily to the congregation. In a meeting the speaking part is called "sharing." One or two speakers might be the only ones doing the sharing, but in most meetings anyone can (and will) share.

Sometime around the middle of the service or a meeting, a basket will be passed around for voluntary contributions. In both cases, this is usually a time when announcements will be made about upcoming activities and news about individual members.

Religious services and meetings both close with one or more prayers asking God or a "higher power" to sustain the members until the next time they can gather together.

The last two similarities apply more to Christianity than to other faiths. First, during many Christian services the members will together recite a creed that outlines the tenets of their faith. During many meetings, one or more members will recite from something that describes the basic tenets of the program, usually the steps, with some parts recited in unison. Second, most Christian faiths either require or allow for confession -- non-specific group confession or individual, private confession with a priest or minister. 12-step programs include a fourth and fifth step where a member first seeks to identify personal "defects" and then shares them with another trusted member. In both cases this represents an "unburdening" that is intended to cleanse the soul and/or the spirit.

I'm very fortunate to be a member of both kinds of groups -- two lively communities of diverse members where I can learn how to really "live" life, share problems and solutions, give and receive support in times of joy and sorrow, and gather with others in recognition that it really isn't "all about me."

"Hearts in Atlantis"

We just returned from a small-ship cruise from Barcelona to Rome, stopping at ports along the Spanish, French and Italian Riviera. The cruise didn't have any 12-step meetings, but I spent some time reading a Stephen King novella that touches on the subject of addiction in a very interesting way. The novella is called "Hearts in Atlantis."

The setting is a college in the northeastern part of the United States in 1966. The Vietnam War has recently escalated. Peter is a freshman from a small town who's dependant upon his scholarship which, in turn,is dependant upon Peter's maintaining at least a 2.5 grade point average.

Atlantis stands for the physical and psychological virginity that Peter has experienced up to this point. Stable home, high school girlfriend, good grades, and almost no knowledge of the war. Atlantis is a golden place, a golden age that is destined for a catastrophic end.

"Hearts" stands for two different things as well. The card game of Hearts becomes a compulsion, an addiction that overtakes Peter and his friends, threatening their grades and their futures. And Peter's heart leads him to love and friendship, and ultimately heartbreak, before the end of the story.

The story is about awakening and what follows afterwards. For several of the characters, what follows is too much of something -- too many card games, too much drinking, too much sex, too much activity protesting the war. Peter has a second awakening that saves him from destruction. Others don't, despite the knowledge that their lives have become unmanageable.

A good read, especially for someone who remembers that era.

HALT!

My computer's printer has a problem. I was pretty sure that the problem was with the printer's wireless connection to Hewlett Packard. I called them on Saturday afternoon. They tried a number of things until, two hours later, they finally agreed that the problem was on their end, and promised to fix it. They haven't. They were supposed to call me this morning on my land line. Instead they called on my cell, which was on "silent" mode. I called them back. I've now been on hold, listening to their music for 30 minutes, while waiting for someone to talk to. This wasn't part of the plan.....

I'm angry! It's a very uncomfortable feeling. My heart is beating faster. I'm perspiring. Most of my muscles are tense. I'm gritting my teeth. I feel the beginning of a tension headache. I want this feeling to go away!

In 12-step programs they teach us about HALT triggers. HALT means "Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired." If we are experiencing any one of these feelings, we are at risk of doing something we wouldn't otherwise do. It might be drinking, drug use, eating a quart of ice cream, yelling at our significant other, or throwing something. We want to make the bad feelings go away -- either by burying them (in alcohol, drugs or ice cream) or by releasing them (yelling or throwing things). This bit of wisdom applies to ALL human beings, and not just to those of us in 12-step programs. We are all at risk of doing something we wouldn't normally do when we encounter one of the HALT triggers. (By the way, they are called "triggers" because, when you encounter them, something inevitably goes "boom!")

The first thing that helps me deal with one of these triggers is to recognize it and call it by name. In my case, it helps to actually say this to another person: "I'm really angry!" This seems to take away some of the power that the emotion has over me. It also prevents me from holding it inside and letting it churn, because over time it can turn into resentment -- an emotion that has even more risk attached to it. Some of us may have been raised to believe that it's wrong to get angry. Not so! It's a perfectly natural and valid emotion. Some of us may also be embarrassed to admit that we're lonely because it conjures up all sorts of negative connotations. But we don't have to be alone to feel lonely -- it can happen in the middle of a crowd. It just means that we feel disconnected from other people, and it can occur under all sorts of circumstances.

The second thing to do is to identify the cause of the emotion. I'm angry because I've been on hold for more than 30 minutes and there are other things I need to do that I can't do while I'm on the phone. I might be hungry because I skipped breakfast and it's almost 11am. I might be lonely because my back pain has prevented me from doing some of the things I normally do, and I've felt isolated at home. I might be tired because I slept poorly last night, or because I've been trying to accomplish too many things on my "to do" list without allowing myself any time to relax and recharge.

The third thing to do is to address the problem directly. This is actually the easiest part! I'm angry about being on hold, so I hang up the phone. (I just did.) I can try this again later -- or tomorrow. I sit quietly and take several deep breaths. If that isn't enough to calm me down, I might take a walk, or meditate, or pick up my knitting and watch TV for a while. If I'm hungry I have a snack or a meal so that my blood sugar level returns to where it should be. If I'm lonely I call a friend, or attend a meeting, or schedule something that will reconnect me with other people. If I'm tired I stop doing whatever is tiresome. I might take a nap, or do something else that relaxes me. (Back to knitting and TV for me...)

The smart thing to do is to try to avoid these triggers in the future. We can eat regular meals and have a snack if too much time has gone by. We can try to avoid placing ourselves in situations that make us angry. (I admit that I shouldn't have chosen the Monday morning "peak call volume" time to call Hewlett Packard.) We can keep in touch with family and friends (in person, not just by telephone or through social media). We can try to get enough rest, even if we have to put it on the schedule. We can't avoid them all, but some of them are under our control.

Who (or what) is in charge today?

This morning's meeting focused on a wonderful subject. It was one of those rare times when everyone stayed on the same subject, without wandering off into some side alley. Before I write more about this, I'm thinking that some of you who aren't familiar with 12-step programs might wonder what a meeting is like, so I'll explain a little.

Meetings are regularly-scheduled at the same place -- every weekday at 11:00 am in the community center, for example. It usually lasts one hour, and most of the time someone makes coffee. We stop and get coffee before we sit down. (I'm always surprised, and often disappointed, if coffee is missing. It just doesn't feel right.) Someone sets up the chairs before the meeting. Really big meetings might have auditorium seating, everyone facing in the same direction. In other meetings everyone is arranged in a circle or a square, facing each other. (I like that kind best because we can see one another.) I chat with my neighbor until someone who is in charge leads the meeting with a welcome statement and other useful information (e.g., "please park in the back parking lot"). We all try to be on time, but there are always "latecomers" who straggle in for a variety of reasons.

There are different kinds of meetings, and I'll name a few. In "speakers meetings" one or more of us will tell our story: "what it was like, what happened and what it's like now." If there is time left, others will have a chance to "share" what we'd like to say about the subjects introduced by the speakers. In "literature meetings" we read from a specific book, or from different types of literature. We go around the room, with each person reading a paragraph or two. Again, if there's time left, we share our thoughts. In "step meetings" we focus our reading and conversation on specific steps of the program. There's one thing that's the rule at all meetings -- we talk about the program and our personal experiences -- not about Sunday's football game, not about the weather, not about our recent vacation. We're here for a purpose.

Back to this morning's subject -- the words "if" and "because." It was about the times that we say, or think to ourselves, "It'll be easy to stay sober IF something happens (or doesn't happen)" or "I stumbled or relapsed BECAUSE something happened (or didn't happen"). It's easy, and very tempting, to place blame on factors outside ourselves. "If my health improves, I'll have the incentive to stay sober." "My boss cut my work hours, so I had a drink." In reality, it's entirely up to us. If we allow these other things to control what we do, we're going to fail. That's one of the foundations of Step 2, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." In Step 1 we admit that our lives are unmanageable, and in Step 2 we recognize that someone else (or something else) needs to be in charge.

One person shared how she says to herself every morning, "I can never drink again, no matter what." Another person said that when he gets all wrapped up in some problem or another, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." A third person said "things are never really as bad as my imagination makes them out to be."

All of this made me focus on the thing I spend too much time thinking about recently -- my back and leg pain. It keeps me from doing a lot of things I enjoy doing, like gardening and bicycling. The past two treatments haven't worked well, and I'm full of resentment about it. I can't even stand still for very long without needing to get off my feet! Then I remember something I read a month or two ago that said, "Expectations lead to resentment." In other words, if you expect something good to happen, and it doesn't, you'll experience resentment, or disappointment. Resentment is a very common cause of relapse, because we want that bad feeling to go away. Right now.

By the time the meeting was over, I decided that I was going to try harder to focus on other things. In the Serenity Prayer we say, "God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Since I'm doing everything I possibly can right now to treat the pain, I have to accept it and focus on the rest of my life. At some point I will most likely be given a treatment that will reduce the pain, even if I have to have the courage to say yes to another surgery. In the meantime, despite the fact that I must limit my gardening and can't ride my bicycle, life is still full of wonderful things for which I am very grateful -- my husband, our two kitties Wrigley and Phoebe, my friends, travel, volunteer work, yoga classes and meditation, needlework.....

Going to the meeting this morning was valuable. I didn't learn anything brand new, but it reminded me of things that I already knew to be true, and had temporarily mislaid from my conscious thought. A lot of meetings are like that. That's why we "keep coming back."

To Relieve Anxiety, "Easy Does It"

In an earlier post I said that I'd write later about ways of dealing with anxiety -- other than drinking to blot it out. I found out that drinking wasn't a great long-term solution because then I had two reasons to be anxious: the original one (whatever that was) and the fact that I was spending a lot of time with a drink in my hand.

In some cases there are bona fide reasons for anxiety, such as anticipation of a stressful situation that we know is coming up. We're about to give a speech and we're nervous. We're going to have a "difficult discussion" with someone and we don't know how well it's going to go. These things are real, and make us anxious for good reason. In some cases we can pinpoint the reason for anxiety, even if it's not a particularly sensible one. For me, I get anxious if I have some new symptom and I don't know what's causing it. This is a problem for me because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Knowing this helps, but it doesn't necessarily keep me from being anxious anyway.

In some cases, for some people, anxiety hits and we don't have a clue where it's coming from. It might be caused by something specific, but it's buried somewhere in our subconscious mind, and we can't figure it out no matter how much we try. Or I've read that it might be some kind of chemical imbalance in our brain. Either way, we can't directly address it because we don't know what "it" is. This used to show up for me at about 3 o'clock in the morning. I'd wake up and have a pounding heartbeat and a jittery feeling. It's awful and it just won't go away.

First I'm going to talk briefly about medical solutions, because they might be necessary. Then I'm going to talk about other things to try, things hat have helped me.

If we go to our physician and talk about anxiety, there's a good chance that he/she will prescribe something like Xanax. That's what mine did at first. It generally works well, but it isn't a long-term solution because we can become addicted to it. I did. And when we combine it with any other mood-altering substances like alcohol, it magnifies the effect and can become dangerous to our physical safety. For example, I started having more frequent incidents of stumbling over pieces of furniture. I swore that they did it on purpose!

There are other long-term pharmacological treatments for "free-floating anxiety" that are less dangerous. I now take one of them, once a day, and it works without causing me to "zone out." If you have this sort of problem, do some research and have a long talk with your physician. You might need to see a psychiatrist or another kind of therapist. Do it -- it's worth the time and effort.

Since I went to a rehab facility at Father Martin's Ashley, and since I joined a 12-step program, I've learned other ways to relieve anxiety that have helped me a lot. One is yoga and another is meditation. I used to think of both of them as new-age, "woo-woo" practices for people who were "not like me. I envisioned aging hippie vegetarians sitting cross-legged at sunrise chanting "Ommmm..." Now I'm one of them!

Yoga loosens the joints, stretches the muscles, and quiets the mind. I'm not talking about hot yoga or the kind that pushes you rapidly from position to position without a chance to take a breath. I practice a kind of "gentle yoga" that proceeds slowly, gives me easier options if I can't manage a specific contortion, and begins and ends with quiet relaxation. I go to yoga classes at the local YMCA for three reasons: I appreciate the sense of community in my group, I like the instructor, and having it on my schedule helps me to really DO it. But it can be practiced at home and alone if we prefer it that way. The bottom line is this: I've gone into a yoga class feeling anxious and unsettled, but I've never ended it that way.

Meditation helps me with my 12-step program. At each 12-step meeting we recite the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Meditation is one way that helps me achieve the serenity, the courage and the wisdom. There are different kinds of meditation (I didn't know this before). I like to practice "mindfulness" because it helps me to focus on the present moment, rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. It allows me to examine whatever is going on in my mind, and in my life, and to accept it. It also gives me quiet time to just sit and "be." I think of it as a companion to prayer. When I pray I communicate with God. When I meditate, I am open for God to communicate with me. Sometimes this happens and sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay too. The bottom line for meditation, as with yoga, is that it leaves me feeling calm and peaceful. My goal is to meditate for at least ten minutes every day. Some days I forget, and other days I do it for longer than ten minutes, or even several times during the day. In the beginning it was hard to achieve that peaceful feeling. The more I do it, the easier it gets.

I still get anxious from time to time. Most of the time I can now better identify the cause. Maybe I'm rushing to meet some kind of self-imposed deadline. Maybe I'm trying to accomplish something and I'm frustrated because I can't quite get it right. I feel my neck muscles get tense, and my breathing get shallower, and my heartbeat speed up. When I feel it coming, I try to consciously address it. I slow down whatever I'm doing, or I stop doing it. If I'm sitting down, I get up and stretch. I take several slow, deep breaths. I ask myself, "Does this really have to be finished right now?" Maybe not. Maybe instead I should take a walk, or sit in a quiet place and do a little meditation, or even plop myself in front of the TV with some knitting in my hands. Maybe I should be a "human being" instead of a "human doing."

If  there's a specific thing that I'm anxious about, I ask myself, "What action can I take about this?" If I'm worried about my health, I make a doctor's appointment. If I'm troubled by a relationship issue, I talk to the person about it. If I'm frustrated because I can't figure something out, I ask for help. In many cases, I say a prayer. And then I let it go. I've done everything I can do. The rest is up to God.

"Easy Does It" is one of the most popular sayings in 12-step programs, because when we don't take it easy we get stressed, and when we get stressed we're more vulnerable to temptation. We want the uncomfortable feelings to go away, and we drink (or do drugs, or eat, or gamble). But this doesn't make them go away, it just temporarily blots them out. They always come back. Much better to address the stress, or the anxiety, in a positive way when the first symptoms occur. Take my word for it.