Managing the Unmamageable

Step 1 of any 12-Step Program has us admitting that our lives have become unmanageable. If we're an alcoholic or an addict, the craving for our substance of choice governs our thoughts and our actions. Above all other things, that's what we want. Once that need is satisfied, we think about other people (including the ones you love, I'm ashamed to admit) and do other things (if you're capable of doing anything at all.)

 

Then we enter the Program and work the steps. We are in recovery! THAT now governs our thoughts and actions. We begin to pick up the threads of our lives. We try to reestablish relationships, we once again engage in beloved hobbies, and we reengage in whatever work we do (paid or volunteer) and become productive again. But recovery remains in the forefront of our minds. Before the Program, our craving used to govern our thoughts and actions; now it's recovery.

 

At some point in recovery, we realize that our lives has certainly improved, but we haven't achieved "manageable" yet. That's exactly where I am right now. Surrendering to my Higher Power has gotten me up from my bottom. But now it's time for me to put more of a personal effort into it. As I once read somewhere, "God can move mountains, but you had better bring a shovel."

 

There are many things that I can possibly do and, being retired, I get to do most of them by choice. But there are so many things, and there is only so much time.

 



 

There are things that I love to do because I enjoy them and they make me feel good: traveling, watching tv and knitting, gardening, yoga, riding my bicycle, working in the church office, visiting my friend Mary, going to the movies, cooking, getting a massage, going to church.  There are lunches, dinners and other social events that help me to keep up with and enjoy the company of friends. There are things that are good FOR me, like going to Program meetings and serving at church as a lector or an usher. There are things I want to do for others: working in the hospital as a volunteer chaplain, visiting shut-ins, serving as chair of the school board, serving as a member of Diocesan Council. Of course, there are also the things that must get done: grocery shopping, errands, paying bills, doing the laundry.

 

And then there is the unexpected: a friend in need, an illness, something that needs to be repaired or replaced, a birth, a wedding, a death. Even when the rest of your life is manageable, the unexpected can change that in an instant.

 

Finding the right combination of activities -- the right balance -- is in the forefront of my mind these days. If I get involved in too many volunteer activities, I feel like there's no time left for me to relax. If I schedule too many things, there's no time for spontaneous things on a day with perfect weather like biking or gardening; there's no time for having lunch with an old friend. And if I spend too much time by myself, I feel like I'm losing touch with others.

 

Even the time I spend by myself is filled with choices. Do I want to read the newspaper or a good book? Do I want to meditate? Should I return phone calls or email messages? When do I fit in my prayer life, which has suffered lately?

 

It's all too easy to experience resentment over anything that seems to be consuming too much time, even if it's something I would otherwise enjoy in moderation. And resentment is dangerous, because it leads to risky behavior. We gotta be real careful about that.

 

I know that there's no perfect balance, because some things are unpredictable. And the right answer for me today might not be so right tomorrow. But I'm going to try to improve things, rearrange things, so that I'm more comfortable with my use of the time that I've been given, because it's a precious gift. Above all, I want to spend enough of it with my Higher Power, and with the people who are so important in my life.