Change

Members of 12-step programs are familiar with what we call the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

For us -- and for everyone else -- the things we cannot change are usually the same: the actions, words and personalities of other people; and the things that happen around us over which we, as individuals, have no control.  The husband who believes that a meal isn't complete without meat or fish.  The friend who mostly likes to hear herself speak.  The flight that is delayed, again.  The pain in our right neck and shoulder when we use our phone or tablet for too long.

The things we can, as individuals, change are our own actions and reactions.  We can prepare a delicious vegetarian meal, and add some meat just for him.  We can interrupt our friend gently, saying "I have something equally interesting I'd like to share when you're finished.". We can go get a drink and a snack while waiting for the flight, talk to the person at the next table, and make a new friend.  We can set a timer so that we remember to put down our gadgets, get up and move around.

Leo Tolstoy once wrote. "Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself."  This is another facet of the same subject.  Humanity can change, and has changed, and those changes were brought about because individuals did something, or said something.  Many people live longer because of better sanitation, better medical care, and a better understanding of how to care for ourselves.  Many people have a voice in their own government because their predecessors raised their voices and took action to change things.  And I'd like to think that, as a result of the "#metoo" movement, women will be treated differently in the future.

Resisting Temptation

🍷🍷🍷  When a recovering alcoholic is part of a tour group in France, there is temptation all around. At lunch, you are offered wine ... or hard cider in Normandy. On the bus, near the end of a long day, your tour guide offers locally-produced wine or liquer.  At dinner there is white wine and red wine, lots of it, bottles and bottles, on the table.  Between courses you have, set before you, a small bowl containing sorbet swimming in brandy.  The refrigerator in your hotel room holds white wine and beer.

♥️♥️♥️  My husband supports my sobriety.  He smiles when I turn over my wine glass, and keeps my water glass filled.  He suggests that I pour the brandy into his bowl of sorbet, and enjoy my sorbet without it.  I do.  He buys me a bottle of sparkling lemonade for the bus.

⭐⭐⭐  Even our tour guide, Sylvie, is sensitive and helpful.  She buys a cold bottle of local apple juice and, on the bus, she pours it for me and the two other people who don't drink (for whatever reason).

😢  Am I tempted? Certainly, occasionally.  But it doesn't last very long, and having a delicious French dessert always helps.

😁😁😁  And, each morning, I wake without that sluggish feeling that isn't quite a hangover.  I wake alert, energetic, ready for good French coffee and a croissant, maybe even a fresh piece of fruit.  Ready for a new day, new sights, new sounds, something new to learn and appreciate.

🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷  La Belle France!

"Hurt People Hurt People"

I ran across the phrase "hurt people hurt people" for the first time (for me) last week in a book I've been reading for my Spiritual Direction training. As best I can track, it originated with family therapist, spiritual director and author Sandra  Wilson in 1993.  I am amazed at how many times the phrase has been used since then, sometimes with slightly different words: in songs, as book titles, as inspirational writings and in sermons.

Here is an unattributed "expansion" of the phrase that I like.

"Hurt people hurt people.  That's how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness.  Greet grimaces with smiles forgive and forget about finding fault.  Love is the weapon of the future."

We know that the concept of "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39) isn't a new one. The Book of Proverbs tells us, "If your enemies are hungry, give them bread to eat; and if they are thirsty, give them water to drink; for you will heap coals of fire on their heads, and the Lord will reward you."

This is also what Jesus instructs us to do in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke: “But I say to you that listen, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again... Do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:27-30,35-36).

Loving our enemies, turning the other cheek -- it can be hard to do, I don't deny it. But if we "break the chain" once in a while -- with a sibling who is an arrogant know-it-all, with a colleague who grabs all of the credit, or with an acquaintance who uses racially-insensitive phrases -- and respond with kindness and forgiveness, perhaps we can make a small difference. Small differences add up.

Yesterday, in the town of Caen, in Normandy, we visited a war memorial museum. I was reminded that, because the allies required confiscatory reparations from Germany after WWI, the German people were hurt: no money, no food, sometimes no homes. The Nazi party promised them a better future, and a way of "getting back" at those who hurt them. We know the rest of the story.....

Everything Matters

At Richmond Hill, this past weekend, one of the things we talked about was our individual images of God, and how they have changed over our lives.  For example, when I was a child I imagined God as an old man with a long white beard, wearing a long white robe.  He was a combination of creator, judge, grandfather and the pastor of my church.  When I was a teenager I thought of Jesus in the musical "Godspell," roaming around New York City's Central Park with his disciples and telling parables.  When I was a young adult I didn't think about him much at all.  And now I no longer think of him as an image at all.  He is all around me.  He is the fresh breeze that touches my face when I take a walk.  He is the warm feeling of sunlight.  He is the sound of leaves rustling when a storm is brewing.  He is in the flame of the candle that sits on my table when I pray and listen, early in the morning.

After dinner on Saturday, we watched a movie entitled "The Shack."  I was absolutely delighted, because I have read William P. Young's novel of the same name several times -- it's one of my favorites.  Here's a short blurb that describes it:

"Mackenzie Phillips’s daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation, and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later, in this midst of his great sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend. Against his better judgment he arrives at the shack on wintry afternoon. What he finds there will change his life forever."

This description makes you think that the story will be very sad and dark, but I promise you that it isn't that at all.  Instead, it's a magical and uplifting story that will change your "image of God" forever.

One of the final things said by a major character in the movie (and the novel) remains with me today:  "If anything matters, everything matters."   It sounds so profound to me that I looked on the Internet to see if he borrowed it from someone else -- apparently not.  It resonates with me, reminds me of the "butterfly effect," a term coined by Edward Lorenz to describe the part of chaos theory where one small action can have a significant effect on larger actions.  

Everything matters.  Everyone matters.  We never know which action or which words will have an effect on something else, someone else, somewhere else.  Because everyone matters, everything we do is important in some way.  Every time we reach out with a smile, a kind word or a hug, we touch someone else's life and the world changes.  Nothing will ever be the same again.....

The art of compromise

It seems that, at the national level, our leaders have lost both the desire to compromise and the knowledge of how to achieve it.  It isn't all that hard.  Here is an example from earlier this morning.

Im at the Richmond Hill retreat center.  Ive just showered and drrssed.  I want to simultaneously drink my coffee, write in my journal where the light is good, put an ice wrap on my sprained foot, and put my foot up on a chair. The best place is the refectory (dining room). I get myself all set up when a staff member asks me if I can move because they want to set up for breakfast. I resist, and explain what I'm trying to accomplish. She explains why they need the space. We both have legitimate needs. The solution is for me to move to the smaller dining area (which doesn't need to be set up). I'm satisfied, she's satisfied -- win/win.

What does it take to achieve a good compromise?  You need to be able to explain what you need.  You need to listen to what the other person needs.  You need to be willing to accept the validity of the other person's needs.  And you need to be willing to accept an alternate solution that meets the needs of both.

It's not that hard...

A recipe for happiness

In order to be happy you need three things: something to do, something to love and something to hope for."

I read this in the comic strip called "Pickles" and it struck me as worth noting and saving.

"Something to do" can be either work or play: your job, volunteer work, a hobby, exercise, recreation, socializing, anything that involves "doing."

"Something to love" can be either something or someone: a passion for drawing or gardening or baking or binge-watching your favorite show: a cat or a dog or a bird; your spouse or child or BFF, anything that involves loving.

"Something to hope for" can be many, many different things: a new job or promotion, moving to a new city or country, your next vacation, a child or grandchild, getting married or getting divorced, learning a new skill, the results of the next election, even world peace, anything that involves looking forward to the future.

Considering each of the three ingredients in this recipe for happiness, I think the last one I'd the most important!

Why do I go to church?

The following is reprinted from my column in the Grace Episcopal Church newsletter, Grace Notes, dated September 2018.

The concept of community has been on my mind of late.  In his farewell sermon on Sunday, August 12th, Patrick Keyser (our summer seminarian) preached about how we need each other and asked, “How well do you know your neighbor?”  On that same Sunday the Parade magazine section of the Washington Post highlighted opportunities for community living where residents share certain meals and chores, but they live in their own apartments.  This past Sunday, August 19th, Father Bob preached a sermon entitled “Communion” and he told us, “Every time we celebrate the Eucharist together we are in communion with all the saints who ever lived.”  

  

I have three good friends who don’t go to church.  One friend believes in a “God of the Universe” and communicates with her God when she’s out in nature.  Another friend is a lapsed Roman Catholic who stopped agreeing with church doctrine some time ago and is now horrified by recent reports of sexual abuse by “so-called celibate priests.”  My third friend used to be a regular worshipper at a nearby Protestant church, but over time he got tired of the infighting between two factions within the parish – infighting that the pastor tried to ignore rather than addressing it and trying to resolve it.  I respect the choices of these three people, each of whom is a good friend with strong principles.  Two of my friends consider themselves to be Christians. 

  

What would you say to any of these three people if they asked you to explain why you go to church?  I’ve recently wondered how I would answer, so here are my thoughts. 

  

One of the reasons I go to church might, on the surface, seem rather un-spiritual.  I go to church to be part of a community.  Human beings evolved as families, bands and tribes; we are social animals.  At the very time of creation, God said “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).  I say that I “belong to a church” for good reason – I want that sense of belonging.  I go to socialize -- to see people, sit next to them in a certain pew, chat with other friends during coffee hour.  I go to tell God and my neighbors that I love them and, hopefully, to feel that they love me too.  I go to participate in groups that provide service to others (Food Bank, Meals-on-Wheels, etc.).  I go to church, and I’m active in our church community, in order to provide justice and peace to the poor and the oppressed.  Alone I’m pretty powerless.  But a large group of people, properly organized, can bring about change.  The church is one of these groups.  I dream with others of like mind who dream the same dream -- from that dream may come a new reality.  Think of that the next time our Sunday bulletin includes an announcement about VOICE (Virginians Organized for Interfaith Community Engagement). 

    

Being part of a community isn’t a bad reason for going to church … but it isn’t my only reason.  Although I can, and often do, worship God in an informal way when I’m alone – on walks through nature, for example – God calls me to corporate worship.  Throughout the Bible, the pattern of life for God’s people has included worship in large groups; we see this in the wilderness wanderings and in the pattern of festivals in the Old Testament.  There were family aspects of worship such as the Passover meal, and corporate worship at the temple.  From the very beginnings of Christianity, when followers of Jesus Christ met in people’s houses, corporate worship was built into these gatherings. Jesus encouraged corporate worship when he said, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:20).  In his letter to the Hebrews, St. Paul wrote, “Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another...” (10:24-25)   

Finally, I go to church because I love the music and enjoy singing the hymns.  This past Sunday we started with Hymn 420:  

“How often, making music, we have found 

A new dimension in the world of sound, 

As worship moved us to a more profound 

Alleluia!” 

A vibrant community life as “the body of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12) is filled with the joy of worship, prayer and song.  A description of this communal experience includes enthusiastic worship that involves “addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, and giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 5:19-20).  We were made for community worship. We sing not to God or ourselves alone, but to one another. The worship in heaven that is pictured in Revelation 4 and 5 is massive corporate worship.  I guess that will be the perfect church:  all harmonious, in perfect unity, with great joy. 

Corporate worship seems to be part of God’s plan for us, on earth and in heaven.  It can’t possibly be as awesome as that which is to come someday, in heaven, but I think it’s special just the way it is right here, on earth, at Grace Church.  I just finished reading Rachel Held Evans’ book, Inspired, and she says it all for me on page 206: “Like it or not, you can’t be a Christian on your own.  Following Jesus is a group activity, and from the beginning, it’s been a messy one; it’s been an incarnated one.”