HALT!

My computer's printer has a problem. I was pretty sure that the problem was with the printer's wireless connection to Hewlett Packard. I called them on Saturday afternoon. They tried a number of things until, two hours later, they finally agreed that the problem was on their end, and promised to fix it. They haven't. They were supposed to call me this morning on my land line. Instead they called on my cell, which was on "silent" mode. I called them back. I've now been on hold, listening to their music for 30 minutes, while waiting for someone to talk to. This wasn't part of the plan.....

I'm angry! It's a very uncomfortable feeling. My heart is beating faster. I'm perspiring. Most of my muscles are tense. I'm gritting my teeth. I feel the beginning of a tension headache. I want this feeling to go away!

In 12-step programs they teach us about HALT triggers. HALT means "Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired." If we are experiencing any one of these feelings, we are at risk of doing something we wouldn't otherwise do. It might be drinking, drug use, eating a quart of ice cream, yelling at our significant other, or throwing something. We want to make the bad feelings go away -- either by burying them (in alcohol, drugs or ice cream) or by releasing them (yelling or throwing things). This bit of wisdom applies to ALL human beings, and not just to those of us in 12-step programs. We are all at risk of doing something we wouldn't normally do when we encounter one of the HALT triggers. (By the way, they are called "triggers" because, when you encounter them, something inevitably goes "boom!")

The first thing that helps me deal with one of these triggers is to recognize it and call it by name. In my case, it helps to actually say this to another person: "I'm really angry!" This seems to take away some of the power that the emotion has over me. It also prevents me from holding it inside and letting it churn, because over time it can turn into resentment -- an emotion that has even more risk attached to it. Some of us may have been raised to believe that it's wrong to get angry. Not so! It's a perfectly natural and valid emotion. Some of us may also be embarrassed to admit that we're lonely because it conjures up all sorts of negative connotations. But we don't have to be alone to feel lonely -- it can happen in the middle of a crowd. It just means that we feel disconnected from other people, and it can occur under all sorts of circumstances.

The second thing to do is to identify the cause of the emotion. I'm angry because I've been on hold for more than 30 minutes and there are other things I need to do that I can't do while I'm on the phone. I might be hungry because I skipped breakfast and it's almost 11am. I might be lonely because my back pain has prevented me from doing some of the things I normally do, and I've felt isolated at home. I might be tired because I slept poorly last night, or because I've been trying to accomplish too many things on my "to do" list without allowing myself any time to relax and recharge.

The third thing to do is to address the problem directly. This is actually the easiest part! I'm angry about being on hold, so I hang up the phone. (I just did.) I can try this again later -- or tomorrow. I sit quietly and take several deep breaths. If that isn't enough to calm me down, I might take a walk, or meditate, or pick up my knitting and watch TV for a while. If I'm hungry I have a snack or a meal so that my blood sugar level returns to where it should be. If I'm lonely I call a friend, or attend a meeting, or schedule something that will reconnect me with other people. If I'm tired I stop doing whatever is tiresome. I might take a nap, or do something else that relaxes me. (Back to knitting and TV for me...)

The smart thing to do is to try to avoid these triggers in the future. We can eat regular meals and have a snack if too much time has gone by. We can try to avoid placing ourselves in situations that make us angry. (I admit that I shouldn't have chosen the Monday morning "peak call volume" time to call Hewlett Packard.) We can keep in touch with family and friends (in person, not just by telephone or through social media). We can try to get enough rest, even if we have to put it on the schedule. We can't avoid them all, but some of them are under our control.

Who (or what) is in charge today?

This morning's meeting focused on a wonderful subject. It was one of those rare times when everyone stayed on the same subject, without wandering off into some side alley. Before I write more about this, I'm thinking that some of you who aren't familiar with 12-step programs might wonder what a meeting is like, so I'll explain a little.

Meetings are regularly-scheduled at the same place -- every weekday at 11:00 am in the community center, for example. It usually lasts one hour, and most of the time someone makes coffee. We stop and get coffee before we sit down. (I'm always surprised, and often disappointed, if coffee is missing. It just doesn't feel right.) Someone sets up the chairs before the meeting. Really big meetings might have auditorium seating, everyone facing in the same direction. In other meetings everyone is arranged in a circle or a square, facing each other. (I like that kind best because we can see one another.) I chat with my neighbor until someone who is in charge leads the meeting with a welcome statement and other useful information (e.g., "please park in the back parking lot"). We all try to be on time, but there are always "latecomers" who straggle in for a variety of reasons.

There are different kinds of meetings, and I'll name a few. In "speakers meetings" one or more of us will tell our story: "what it was like, what happened and what it's like now." If there is time left, others will have a chance to "share" what we'd like to say about the subjects introduced by the speakers. In "literature meetings" we read from a specific book, or from different types of literature. We go around the room, with each person reading a paragraph or two. Again, if there's time left, we share our thoughts. In "step meetings" we focus our reading and conversation on specific steps of the program. There's one thing that's the rule at all meetings -- we talk about the program and our personal experiences -- not about Sunday's football game, not about the weather, not about our recent vacation. We're here for a purpose.

Back to this morning's subject -- the words "if" and "because." It was about the times that we say, or think to ourselves, "It'll be easy to stay sober IF something happens (or doesn't happen)" or "I stumbled or relapsed BECAUSE something happened (or didn't happen"). It's easy, and very tempting, to place blame on factors outside ourselves. "If my health improves, I'll have the incentive to stay sober." "My boss cut my work hours, so I had a drink." In reality, it's entirely up to us. If we allow these other things to control what we do, we're going to fail. That's one of the foundations of Step 2, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." In Step 1 we admit that our lives are unmanageable, and in Step 2 we recognize that someone else (or something else) needs to be in charge.

One person shared how she says to herself every morning, "I can never drink again, no matter what." Another person said that when he gets all wrapped up in some problem or another, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." A third person said "things are never really as bad as my imagination makes them out to be."

All of this made me focus on the thing I spend too much time thinking about recently -- my back and leg pain. It keeps me from doing a lot of things I enjoy doing, like gardening and bicycling. The past two treatments haven't worked well, and I'm full of resentment about it. I can't even stand still for very long without needing to get off my feet! Then I remember something I read a month or two ago that said, "Expectations lead to resentment." In other words, if you expect something good to happen, and it doesn't, you'll experience resentment, or disappointment. Resentment is a very common cause of relapse, because we want that bad feeling to go away. Right now.

By the time the meeting was over, I decided that I was going to try harder to focus on other things. In the Serenity Prayer we say, "God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Since I'm doing everything I possibly can right now to treat the pain, I have to accept it and focus on the rest of my life. At some point I will most likely be given a treatment that will reduce the pain, even if I have to have the courage to say yes to another surgery. In the meantime, despite the fact that I must limit my gardening and can't ride my bicycle, life is still full of wonderful things for which I am very grateful -- my husband, our two kitties Wrigley and Phoebe, my friends, travel, volunteer work, yoga classes and meditation, needlework.....

Going to the meeting this morning was valuable. I didn't learn anything brand new, but it reminded me of things that I already knew to be true, and had temporarily mislaid from my conscious thought. A lot of meetings are like that. That's why we "keep coming back."

To Relieve Anxiety, "Easy Does It"

In an earlier post I said that I'd write later about ways of dealing with anxiety -- other than drinking to blot it out. I found out that drinking wasn't a great long-term solution because then I had two reasons to be anxious: the original one (whatever that was) and the fact that I was spending a lot of time with a drink in my hand.

In some cases there are bona fide reasons for anxiety, such as anticipation of a stressful situation that we know is coming up. We're about to give a speech and we're nervous. We're going to have a "difficult discussion" with someone and we don't know how well it's going to go. These things are real, and make us anxious for good reason. In some cases we can pinpoint the reason for anxiety, even if it's not a particularly sensible one. For me, I get anxious if I have some new symptom and I don't know what's causing it. This is a problem for me because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Knowing this helps, but it doesn't necessarily keep me from being anxious anyway.

In some cases, for some people, anxiety hits and we don't have a clue where it's coming from. It might be caused by something specific, but it's buried somewhere in our subconscious mind, and we can't figure it out no matter how much we try. Or I've read that it might be some kind of chemical imbalance in our brain. Either way, we can't directly address it because we don't know what "it" is. This used to show up for me at about 3 o'clock in the morning. I'd wake up and have a pounding heartbeat and a jittery feeling. It's awful and it just won't go away.

First I'm going to talk briefly about medical solutions, because they might be necessary. Then I'm going to talk about other things to try, things hat have helped me.

If we go to our physician and talk about anxiety, there's a good chance that he/she will prescribe something like Xanax. That's what mine did at first. It generally works well, but it isn't a long-term solution because we can become addicted to it. I did. And when we combine it with any other mood-altering substances like alcohol, it magnifies the effect and can become dangerous to our physical safety. For example, I started having more frequent incidents of stumbling over pieces of furniture. I swore that they did it on purpose!

There are other long-term pharmacological treatments for "free-floating anxiety" that are less dangerous. I now take one of them, once a day, and it works without causing me to "zone out." If you have this sort of problem, do some research and have a long talk with your physician. You might need to see a psychiatrist or another kind of therapist. Do it -- it's worth the time and effort.

Since I went to a rehab facility at Father Martin's Ashley, and since I joined a 12-step program, I've learned other ways to relieve anxiety that have helped me a lot. One is yoga and another is meditation. I used to think of both of them as new-age, "woo-woo" practices for people who were "not like me. I envisioned aging hippie vegetarians sitting cross-legged at sunrise chanting "Ommmm..." Now I'm one of them!

Yoga loosens the joints, stretches the muscles, and quiets the mind. I'm not talking about hot yoga or the kind that pushes you rapidly from position to position without a chance to take a breath. I practice a kind of "gentle yoga" that proceeds slowly, gives me easier options if I can't manage a specific contortion, and begins and ends with quiet relaxation. I go to yoga classes at the local YMCA for three reasons: I appreciate the sense of community in my group, I like the instructor, and having it on my schedule helps me to really DO it. But it can be practiced at home and alone if we prefer it that way. The bottom line is this: I've gone into a yoga class feeling anxious and unsettled, but I've never ended it that way.

Meditation helps me with my 12-step program. At each 12-step meeting we recite the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Meditation is one way that helps me achieve the serenity, the courage and the wisdom. There are different kinds of meditation (I didn't know this before). I like to practice "mindfulness" because it helps me to focus on the present moment, rather than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. It allows me to examine whatever is going on in my mind, and in my life, and to accept it. It also gives me quiet time to just sit and "be." I think of it as a companion to prayer. When I pray I communicate with God. When I meditate, I am open for God to communicate with me. Sometimes this happens and sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay too. The bottom line for meditation, as with yoga, is that it leaves me feeling calm and peaceful. My goal is to meditate for at least ten minutes every day. Some days I forget, and other days I do it for longer than ten minutes, or even several times during the day. In the beginning it was hard to achieve that peaceful feeling. The more I do it, the easier it gets.

I still get anxious from time to time. Most of the time I can now better identify the cause. Maybe I'm rushing to meet some kind of self-imposed deadline. Maybe I'm trying to accomplish something and I'm frustrated because I can't quite get it right. I feel my neck muscles get tense, and my breathing get shallower, and my heartbeat speed up. When I feel it coming, I try to consciously address it. I slow down whatever I'm doing, or I stop doing it. If I'm sitting down, I get up and stretch. I take several slow, deep breaths. I ask myself, "Does this really have to be finished right now?" Maybe not. Maybe instead I should take a walk, or sit in a quiet place and do a little meditation, or even plop myself in front of the TV with some knitting in my hands. Maybe I should be a "human being" instead of a "human doing."

If  there's a specific thing that I'm anxious about, I ask myself, "What action can I take about this?" If I'm worried about my health, I make a doctor's appointment. If I'm troubled by a relationship issue, I talk to the person about it. If I'm frustrated because I can't figure something out, I ask for help. In many cases, I say a prayer. And then I let it go. I've done everything I can do. The rest is up to God.

"Easy Does It" is one of the most popular sayings in 12-step programs, because when we don't take it easy we get stressed, and when we get stressed we're more vulnerable to temptation. We want the uncomfortable feelings to go away, and we drink (or do drugs, or eat, or gamble). But this doesn't make them go away, it just temporarily blots them out. They always come back. Much better to address the stress, or the anxiety, in a positive way when the first symptoms occur. Take my word for it.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless—that our lives had become unmanageable

I knew that I had a problem. By the time I walked through the door into my first 12-step meeting at 7:00 am, my husband also knew that I had a problem, because I had tearfully spilled my guts at 3:00 am that same morning. But I actually had two problems: the original one, and the fact that I didn't know how to solve it. I had tried to go back to "normal drinking," i.e., one or maybe two scotch-on-the-rocks before dinner, and that's all. I had failed abysmally. For several mornings in a row I had woken up, painfully hung over, and sworn to myself "Today will be different!" It wasn't. What was going on? At all other times in my life, when I had decided that I was going to do something, I did it. What made this different? I'm thankful that I knew at least one place to go to find out.

One of the first things I learned when I entered my 12-step program is that newcomers are welcomed. The second thing I learned is that I didn't have to have been successful in giving up my problem yet. The person who reads the meeting "preamble" tells you that all you need is "a desire to stop" giving in to your compulsion (drinking, using drugs, overeating, gambling, etc.). That's enough to get you in the door.

I learned about the steps. I was told that if I got a sponsor, and "worked the steps" with my sponsor, and was serious about it, I had an excellent chance of recovery. So I got a temporary sponsor and we set up a time to start working the steps.

Step 1 asked me to admit that I was powerless, and that my life had become unmanageable. I was okay with the second part, and had the stitches to prove it, but the first part? Powerless? I had never admitted to being powerless over anything. If I wanted something or some outcome, I came up with a plan, carried it out, came up with another plan if the first one didn't work, and finally achieved my goal. After all, my father told me when I was about ten years old, "You can do anything you want to do, and be anything you want to be." I believed that. It had always been true...

... except for this time. I relapsed. I let myself get stressed out over preparations for a dinner party, and I drank. I couldn't stop myself. I desperately needed to dampen the anxiety that was building up, and I couldn't think of any other way to do it*. The rational part of my brain said no, but the irrational part of my brain won out. Later I learned that this is extremely common, especially in the beginning. The dinner party wasn't a total disaster, but it was far from my finest hour.

Admitting I was powerless became easier after that incident. I often have to be hit upside the head by a two-by-four in order to get the point. But I do, eventually, get the point.

*  Now I know about other ways, much better ways, to relieve anxiety. I also know how to keep it from building in the first place. I'll write about that some other day.

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Four Secrets to Living Longer, Healthier and Happier

I'm not a big fan of Parade Magazine, one of the color supplements that come with the Sunday Washington Post (and probably other newspapers as well). Its meager pages usually celebrity gossip, recipes that don't appeal to me, and lots of advertisements aimed at the AARP crowd (of which I, admittedly, am one).

But yesterday's Parade had an article that I read all the way through, and liked enough to share it. It's called Cheater's Guide to Living to 100, and it lists four "secrets" to living longer, healthier and happier. Before I tell more, I want to say upfront that I have no particular desire to live to 100, the four suggestions aren't secrets, and following the suggestions have nothing to do with cheating -- they just make good sense. But the title of the article was, no doubt, designed to attract readers, and it worked.

The first secret is Find Your Tribe. "The people who live longest surround themselves with people who support healthy behaviors." The article mentions friends, faith-based communities, families and life partners. I would add fellow members of 12-Step programs, because we support all kinds of healthy behaviors -- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Each of us entered the program because we were practicing some kind of seriously-unhealthy behavior, and wanted to change. That's exactly what I wanted. What I didn't know at the time was that I would end up changing several behaviors that didn't seem connected to the reason I came in. For example, I wanted to stop drinking. Because of what I heard from other people in the rooms, I took up yoga and meditation. These two practices reduced my anxiety, improved my physical and mental health, and support my continuing sobriety.

The third secret is Seek a Purpose. People who live longer "have an activity, passion or career that motivates them and gives their lives meaning." Amen to that! If we don't have a reason to get up in the morning, and if there isn't something we can look forward to or hope for, then where's the joy in life? It doesn't have to be a "change the world" type of activity, as long as it's something that we enjoy and that gives us a reason for getting out of bed each day. When I first came into the rooms, my primary reason for hauling my butt out of bed was to attend my 7:00 am Early Birds meeting. No matter how bad I felt -- and some days it was pretty bad -- I always felt uplifted by the end of the meeting. Today, a year later, that's still true. And whether or not we have some other activity that motivates us (which I do), the program gives us the opportunity to help others, to "be of service." That alone seems to be enough for some people, and they do it with great pleasure and satisfaction.

The second and fourth secrets are Eat Smart and Move It. The importance of a healthy diet and some kind of regular physical activity are well known, whether or not we actually practice them. During the months before I entered the program, I drank more calories than I ate, and stopped going to the gym. Now I try to eat smart, although ice cream still calls to me, and I practice yoga. When I get my recent pain issue (from spinal stenosis) under control, I want to resume bicycle riding and walking. I know that it will help me feel better in so many ways. And it's something I can do with my husband -- that produces a whole bunch of other emotional benefits!

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Being in Community

I've been struggling yesterday and today, but (thank God) it's with something we ALL go through at times. It's either a bad cold or a light case of the flu. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I was glad to be able to get to the Stations of the Cross service at Grace Church today, and read my meditation without sneezing at the lectern.

I haven't done much else other than nap, drink tea, eat soup, watch TV and read the newspaper. And I probably wouldn't be writing in this blog if it weren't for the newspaper. Today's Washington Post has a column by Lonnae O'Neal entitled "A once-a-year churchgoer confronts a preacher." I would have read and enjoyed the column under any circumstances, but one part grabbed me:

"There is a blessing for those who get their church from TV or streaming on their laptops, Lee said. But then he spoke to the thing that has felt truest for me since I was a little girl: There is also the spirituality that comes from being in community, he said. That’s about getting out of your silos, even if it is a silo with God, and being in fellowship with the person next to you — 'grappling with people who are also grappling, and trying to get it right.'"

That's what 12-step programs are all about, just as much for regular churchgoers as for those who don't. The spirituality that comes from being in community. Grappling with people -- like you -- who are also grappling, And trying to get it right.

The meeting that I regularly attend -- my "home group" -- is just as much family to me as my church family. We celebrate small successes and milestones, we encourage each other to "keep coming back," and we comfort each other when hard times occur. And we accept and love each other, regardless.

What Program?

I can hardly believe that it's been nearly a year since I stopped posting to my previous blog, Graceful Worship. So much has happened since then!

On April 10, 2014, I signed myself into Father Martin's Ashley, a 30-day residential rehabilitation program in Havre de Grace, MD. For approximately six months I had been drinking heavily in denial of the inevitable signs of aging, and also to escape from the physical pain of arthritis and the emotional pain of anxiety. But no matter how hard I tried to escape, I couldn't escape from myself. I'm thankful that I recognized what I was doing to myself before I did any serious and long-lasting damage to my body, my spirit, my marriage and my friendships. I needed help, and someone I had met "in the rooms" steered me in the right direction. I will forever be in his debt.

My 30 days at Father Martin's began a journey of discovery -- about myself and about the world around me. I learned that I was afraid of getting older and had a tendency towards catastrophizing every ache and pain of unknown origin. I learned that I was a perfectionist who could never quite measure up to the standards I set for myself, but was reluctant to ask for help. I learned that I was a "human doing" more than a "human being," filling my days with more activities and commitments than I could possibly handle. I learned that I was insecure in my relationships with others -- ALL others, including those closest to me. I learned that virtually all of my pains and anxieties were caused by stress -- and that most of my stress was self-induced.

I began to slow down. At Father Martin's you have no choice. You surrender your mobile devices and learn to live without them. You read instead of watching television. You get out of bed when they tell you to; eat (healthy) meals when they tell you to; go to lectures, films and group therapy when they tell you to; and participate in other activities when they tell you to. If you don't show up for any of these things, they find you! When you have a little of that rare commodity called free time, you sit and gaze at the bay, or take a walk, or take a nap, or talk with a new friend.

You attend a 12-step meeting every day. So does everyone else. You begin to learn that you are not "terminally unique," and that other people have had, or still have, the same problems that you do. You learn that there IS a solution. And you learn that if you follow the program, you will find it. You see and listen to and interact with other people just like you who have found it. And you want what they have.

What is the program? It isn't a sect or a cult. And it isn't a secret. Stated simply, it's a set of guiding principles (understood by most as spiritual principles) outlining a course of action for tackling problems. There are 12 discrete steps that cover the following: 

• admitting that you cannot control your problem(s);

• recognizing a "higher power" that can restore sanity;

• examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (an experienced member);

• making amends for these errors;

• learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior; and

• helping others who suffer from the same problem(s).

In this blog I want to share some of the lessons I've learned in the program -- lessons that can be applied to all kinds of problems facing all sorts of people. I hope they will be helpful to someone who is struggling. They might even be helpful to someone who thinks that they have life all figured out. (Lucky you.) I know that, at a minimum, the act of sharing them will be helpful to me.

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