Looking Back, Looking Forward

(I jotted down some notes on Saturday, but didn't have the time to sit down and blog until today. The preparation for, and celebration of Easter Sunday occupied both my thoughts and my hands.)

As part of my morning prayer and meditation (more about that in a future blog), I read a reflection about Holy Saturday that called it "a day between two monumental days. We rest as we look back to mourning, look forward to joy." As I sat with this for a while, I thought of many things about my own life.

• I look back to being an active alcoholic (now 19 months ago) and I look forward to continuing my now-sober life, which is so full of blessings that I can hardly believe it.

• I look back to working long days as an executive in the General Services Administration, in which I took great pride and satisfaction, and I look forward to a "retired" life that offers unlimited opportunities to be of service to others. (or work in the garden, or take a bike ride...)

• I look back to a spiritual life where I volunteered for and participated in lots of ministries, but was missing a real connection with God. I look forward to being connected through daily prayer, meditation and study, and participating in those ministries that are most important to me.

• I look back to having the almost boundless energy of youth, which enabled me to garden for eight hours or take a 20-mile bike ride or walk to Bethesda and back. I look forward to taking care of my body and my health, so that I can continue to do all of the things I love at a slower pace and for a shorter time. And I look forward to naps, preferably with Brad.

• I look back to thinking mostly (well, sometimes only) about myself -- what I wanted, what I needed. When I did things for others, I was often like the Pharisees: "Everything they do is just to show off in front of others." (Matthew 23:5) Now I look forward being of quiet service to others, being a caring friend who shares her own thoughts and fears instead of just listening, and recognizing that I'm just "one of the herd."

• I look back to always thinking ahead (yes, that sounds weird). What am I going to do next? What am I going to say next? How will I react to something that may or may not even happen? I look forward, gratefully, to living in the present moment as much as I possible can, because every moment of life is such a gift. Jesus said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)