"Hurt People Hurt People"

I ran across the phrase "hurt people hurt people" for the first time (for me) last week in a book I've been reading for my Spiritual Direction training. As best I can track, it originated with family therapist, spiritual director and author Sandra  Wilson in 1993.  I am amazed at how many times the phrase has been used since then, sometimes with slightly different words: in songs, as book titles, as inspirational writings and in sermons.

Here is an unattributed "expansion" of the phrase that I like.

"Hurt people hurt people.  That's how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness.  Greet grimaces with smiles forgive and forget about finding fault.  Love is the weapon of the future."

We know that the concept of "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39) isn't a new one. The Book of Proverbs tells us, "If your enemies are hungry, give them bread to eat; and if they are thirsty, give them water to drink; for you will heap coals of fire on their heads, and the Lord will reward you."

This is also what Jesus instructs us to do in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke: “But I say to you that listen, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again... Do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:27-30,35-36).

Loving our enemies, turning the other cheek -- it can be hard to do, I don't deny it. But if we "break the chain" once in a while -- with a sibling who is an arrogant know-it-all, with a colleague who grabs all of the credit, or with an acquaintance who uses racially-insensitive phrases -- and respond with kindness and forgiveness, perhaps we can make a small difference. Small differences add up.

Yesterday, in the town of Caen, in Normandy, we visited a war memorial museum. I was reminded that, because the allies required confiscatory reparations from Germany after WWI, the German people were hurt: no money, no food, sometimes no homes. The Nazi party promised them a better future, and a way of "getting back" at those who hurt them. We know the rest of the story.....