Drinking Deliberately

I recently heard a really important share at a 12-Step meeting. "We were drinking deliberately, instead of casually." Drinking deliberately. That calls to my mind many, many times when I poured myself a drink (or someone poured it for me) because I NEEDED that drink to unwind.

This is not a scenario where I'm having dinner with my husband or with friends, and we order a bottle of wine. This is different from having a drink before dinner because everyone else is doing the same -- while consuming cheese and crackers. That is drinking casually.

My drinking deliberately was drinking for a purpose. The purpose was to unwind. What was wound up -- my mind, my emotions, my body in knots? How did it get that way? Sure, drinking helped me unwind, but it didn't do a thing about the reasons I was wound up in the first place.

I remember coming home late from work, on a cold winter night. Almost as soon as I got in the door and took my coat off, my Blackberry rang. I had to answer it. The slate in our roof interfered with reception, so I went out on the front stoop. After I had been out there for a minute or two my husband came out, draped my coat over my shoulders, and handed me a scotch-on-the-rocks. I NEEDED that drink, and I drank it deliberately.

Thinking back, that was a precursor to my later days of drinking deliberately on a daily basis. Drinking to get rid of the hangover. Drinking to feel more sociable BEFORE the party. Drinking to ease the physical pain. Drinking to ease the mental and emotional pain of drinking too much.

Coffee with God

On Monday I promised that I would say more about this subject, so here I am again.

For a long time I've been searching for a way to energize my prayer life. Right after I retired, when I was doing a lot of walking early in the morning, I would use some of that time for conversations with God. However, when I stopped walking and started going to the gym with Brad instead, the praying stopped. (Prayer just doesn't come naturally while I'm on an exercise bike or a treadmill.)

I tried setting up a place for meditation and prayer in the guest bedroom. I hung a cross and planned to sit in my grandmother's rocking chair. But it just didn't happen.

Then, when I read a book about the Rule of St Benedict, I learned about lectio divina (holy reading). Something about this practice caught my attention, and wouldn't let go. So this is what I did about it.,

Every morning, after I shower and feed the cats, I make a cup of coffee. I take it into the conservatory and clear off anything that's on the round table. I light a candle and put it in the middle of the table. I get my journal and either a Bible or some other devotional literature. Then I sit down and begin to read.

Usually one or more words, phrases or sentences will "speak to me." They will directly relate to something that's going on in my life,my thoughts, or my emotions. For example, one morning I was troubled and anxious about something. I was reading the 23rd Psalm and the words "He restoreth my soul" caught me. I stopped reading and just thought about those words. A number of different images passed through my mind. After a little while I wrote the words "He restoreth my soul" in my journal and also wrote some of my thoughts, like "When something is restored, it's made good as new. God is always there to make me good as new. All I have to do is ask." After I finished writing, I shared my thoughts with God in a conversational prayer, and asked Him to restore my soul. Then I just sat still for a while, peacefully, no longer troubled or anxious, confident that God was there with me.

I've been following this practice faithfully every morning since sometime in January -- even while we were on vacation in Antigua or skiing in Colorado. It works for me because I do it before Brad wakes up, and before the rest of the day's needs and plans start crowding into my mind. I look forward to it every morning. And my friend Pat Dickson called it "coffee with God," so that's what it is.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

(I jotted down some notes on Saturday, but didn't have the time to sit down and blog until today. The preparation for, and celebration of Easter Sunday occupied both my thoughts and my hands.)

As part of my morning prayer and meditation (more about that in a future blog), I read a reflection about Holy Saturday that called it "a day between two monumental days. We rest as we look back to mourning, look forward to joy." As I sat with this for a while, I thought of many things about my own life.

• I look back to being an active alcoholic (now 19 months ago) and I look forward to continuing my now-sober life, which is so full of blessings that I can hardly believe it.

• I look back to working long days as an executive in the General Services Administration, in which I took great pride and satisfaction, and I look forward to a "retired" life that offers unlimited opportunities to be of service to others. (or work in the garden, or take a bike ride...)

• I look back to a spiritual life where I volunteered for and participated in lots of ministries, but was missing a real connection with God. I look forward to being connected through daily prayer, meditation and study, and participating in those ministries that are most important to me.

• I look back to having the almost boundless energy of youth, which enabled me to garden for eight hours or take a 20-mile bike ride or walk to Bethesda and back. I look forward to taking care of my body and my health, so that I can continue to do all of the things I love at a slower pace and for a shorter time. And I look forward to naps, preferably with Brad.

• I look back to thinking mostly (well, sometimes only) about myself -- what I wanted, what I needed. When I did things for others, I was often like the Pharisees: "Everything they do is just to show off in front of others." (Matthew 23:5) Now I look forward being of quiet service to others, being a caring friend who shares her own thoughts and fears instead of just listening, and recognizing that I'm just "one of the herd."

• I look back to always thinking ahead (yes, that sounds weird). What am I going to do next? What am I going to say next? How will I react to something that may or may not even happen? I look forward, gratefully, to living in the present moment as much as I possible can, because every moment of life is such a gift. Jesus said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

Where have I been hiding? And Why?

It's hard to believe that it's been almost 3 months since I last posted anything. There have been plenty of times that I thought about writing. There have been things that I wanted to write about -- at the time. I could have made time for writing. I even put it on my TO DO list several times. But I never actually sat down to write anything until now. Why?

It's hard to put it into words, but I'll try. I didn't feel "together." I felt a little bit like parts of me were here, and parts of me were there, and I just couldn't pull it all together. I stayed sober -- that wasn't a problem. The problem was of another sort. I didn't know how to fix it. So I went into hiding from this blog because I couldn't find a way to speak about it.

Now, sort of suddenly, I'm together again. Things feel like their in place. I'm doing the things that are important to me, and saying no to (or shedding) the things that I no longer want or need. I sometimes have a day, or a part of a day, when I can choose to do whatever I want at that time. That feels wonderful!

And every morning, after I shower and feed the cats, I sit down at the round table surrounded by windows, light a candle, and have "coffee with God." Sometimes I listen to a reflection on video; sometimes I read from the Forward Day by Day booklet; sometimes I read from the Bible. And then I just sit and meditate about what I read or heard. And then I write my thoughts in my journal. And then I say the Seventh Step Prayer. And then I'm ready for the rest of the day.

Thank you, God, for helping me come together again, in time for Spring to arrive. I want to spend time in OUR garden.

Book Clubs, Bible Study and Literature Meetings

Over the past year I've heard fellow members of my 12-Step Program compare our "literature meetings" to book clubs and Bible study groups. I thought I'd spend a little time on that topic today.

First off, what is a literature meeting? It's a 12-Step meeting where we focus on reading aloud, and then sharing our individual thoughts about what was read. It isn't a discussion in terms of give-and-take or debate; instead, each person speaks in turn. The kinds of literature we read in my AA meetings include the "Big Book" (Alcoholics Anonymous), the "12 and 12" (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Living Sober, and the "Grapevine" magazine. (Other kinds of meetings include speaker meetings, step meetings and discussion meetings.)

A book club is similar, and yet it's different. It's also a group of people who read the same books, but they read them at home instead of at the meeting. They know each other, but they may not have any interests in common other than the book they are reading. They meet together to talk about what they read, but some book clubs spend more time drinking and eating and socializing than they do talking about the book. Good book clubs try to make sure that everyone has an opportunity to get her/his two cents in, and that the members listen to each other. But members of some book clubs often get into discussions, debates and even disagreements. I've seen it happen. Not all book clubs are well-managed.

What about Bible study groups? I think that Bible study groups are more similar to 12-Step literature meetings than book clubs. Reading from either the Bible or from 12-Step literature aloud in the group, and then talking about it with other people, enriches each person's study, because not everyone thinks the same way. Hearing someone else's ideas and interpretations causes each person to broaden his/her thinking. Beyond that, group Bible study offers a place to connect with other similar-minded people, making each person part of a connected family. Like 12-Step meetings, a Bible study group offers a safe place for each person to ask questions, and help others find answers as well. When you are involved in a small group of other like-minded people with varying backgrounds, chances are at least one other person in that group will be able to answer your specific questions. And aren't two or three (or more) heads better than one?

Finally, in 12-Step meetings and Bible study groups, members can share their intimate thoughts and needs. At first they may not feel comfortable sharing the details of their lives, and they don't have to unless they choose to. But members of both groups grow to care for one another over time, and contribute to each other's growth, because they are all traveling the same road.

Here's a shout out to "Early Birds," my home group. I love you all.

Programs, Roadmaps and Recipes

All 12-step programs are "programs" in that they fit the definition of a program: "a planned, coordinated group of activities, procedures, etc., often for a specific purpose." The group of activities are always the same and come in four parts: (1) don't do the thing you are recovering from (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.); (2) go to meetings; (3) get a sponsor; and (4) work the 12 steps.

I've heard other people at meetings describe the program as a roadmap or recipe for life. In fact, just this morning one of my AA friends shared a short story during the meeting. A brother was staying with him, and this person was having problems in his relationship with someone else. My friend took out the "Big Book" (Alcoholics Anonymous), gave it to his brother, and said "read pages x through y of this book. It might help." The next morning my friend asked his brother if he had read it. His brother said that he read a lot more of the book than just the suggested pages, and said "This is really a roadmap for life -- anyone's life."

After we heard that story, someone else at the meeting suggested that there are a lot of people in the world who don't have alcohol, drug or other similar problems, but who would seriously benefit from the teachings in the Big Book. I've often thought that same thing.

Anyway, how is a 12-step program like a roadmap? It shows you where you are, at the beginning of your journey. It shows you where you want to go. It shows you the most direct route to take in order to arrive at your destination (I think of that as the 12-step route). You can look at the roadmap to determine whether it's going to be a short trip or a long one. You probably need to make stops along the way -- those are the steps. And there might be alternate routes that will get you there, but they will probably take longer.

How is a 12-step program like a recipe? I like this one the best. You want a loaf of bread. You start out with nothing but a set of instructions. The instructions tell you what ingredients you have to purchase. Then the recipe tells you what to do with the ingredients, how to combine them or treat them, in a particular order of activities. These are the steps. If you decide to skip a step -- let's say you add the yeast but don't give the dough time to rise -- you end up with a brick instead of a loaf of bread. If you decide to add the sugar after the dough has risen, the yeast will have nothing to feed on and again, you'll have a brick. But if you follow the directions in the correct order, you end up with a loaf of bread. Just the same, if you follow the 12 steps in the correct order, you achieve recovery, sanity and serenity.

I wish you a successful journey as you follow the 12-step roadmap to your destination. If you do, you'll get to eat a loaf of bread, instead of figuring out how to dispose of a brick.

Managing the Unmamageable

Step 1 of any 12-Step Program has us admitting that our lives have become unmanageable. If we're an alcoholic or an addict, the craving for our substance of choice governs our thoughts and our actions. Above all other things, that's what we want. Once that need is satisfied, we think about other people (including the ones you love, I'm ashamed to admit) and do other things (if you're capable of doing anything at all.)

 

Then we enter the Program and work the steps. We are in recovery! THAT now governs our thoughts and actions. We begin to pick up the threads of our lives. We try to reestablish relationships, we once again engage in beloved hobbies, and we reengage in whatever work we do (paid or volunteer) and become productive again. But recovery remains in the forefront of our minds. Before the Program, our craving used to govern our thoughts and actions; now it's recovery.

 

At some point in recovery, we realize that our lives has certainly improved, but we haven't achieved "manageable" yet. That's exactly where I am right now. Surrendering to my Higher Power has gotten me up from my bottom. But now it's time for me to put more of a personal effort into it. As I once read somewhere, "God can move mountains, but you had better bring a shovel."

 

There are many things that I can possibly do and, being retired, I get to do most of them by choice. But there are so many things, and there is only so much time.

 



 

There are things that I love to do because I enjoy them and they make me feel good: traveling, watching tv and knitting, gardening, yoga, riding my bicycle, working in the church office, visiting my friend Mary, going to the movies, cooking, getting a massage, going to church.  There are lunches, dinners and other social events that help me to keep up with and enjoy the company of friends. There are things that are good FOR me, like going to Program meetings and serving at church as a lector or an usher. There are things I want to do for others: working in the hospital as a volunteer chaplain, visiting shut-ins, serving as chair of the school board, serving as a member of Diocesan Council. Of course, there are also the things that must get done: grocery shopping, errands, paying bills, doing the laundry.

 

And then there is the unexpected: a friend in need, an illness, something that needs to be repaired or replaced, a birth, a wedding, a death. Even when the rest of your life is manageable, the unexpected can change that in an instant.

 

Finding the right combination of activities -- the right balance -- is in the forefront of my mind these days. If I get involved in too many volunteer activities, I feel like there's no time left for me to relax. If I schedule too many things, there's no time for spontaneous things on a day with perfect weather like biking or gardening; there's no time for having lunch with an old friend. And if I spend too much time by myself, I feel like I'm losing touch with others.

 

Even the time I spend by myself is filled with choices. Do I want to read the newspaper or a good book? Do I want to meditate? Should I return phone calls or email messages? When do I fit in my prayer life, which has suffered lately?

 

It's all too easy to experience resentment over anything that seems to be consuming too much time, even if it's something I would otherwise enjoy in moderation. And resentment is dangerous, because it leads to risky behavior. We gotta be real careful about that.

 

I know that there's no perfect balance, because some things are unpredictable. And the right answer for me today might not be so right tomorrow. But I'm going to try to improve things, rearrange things, so that I'm more comfortable with my use of the time that I've been given, because it's a precious gift. Above all, I want to spend enough of it with my Higher Power, and with the people who are so important in my life.